rtfm - a response for easy questions from clueless lusers

rtfm [ -p ] [ -h ] [ -d option ] [ -i interval ] [ -a action ] [ -q luser]

rtfm is a command for system administrators to use in dealing with new users. rtfm is useful for dealing with users having trouble with their pictures downloaded from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica. rtfm will continue to run until killed by hand, using `kill processid'. rtfm can be invoked by anyone who has enough of a clue to know what a man page is.

-p

Give the answer in a polite fashion.

-h

Tell the clueless luser to go to hell. Used with the -p option, they'll look forward to the trip.

-d option

Debug mode using option where option is one of the following:

query Ask the luser what part of rtfm that he or she does not understand.

planet Ask what planet the luser is from. literacy Ask the luser if the luser can read.

english Ask the luser if the luser understands English.

Mac Ask the luser if the luser has ever used a computer other than a Macintosh.

Nintendo Same as the Mac option, but slightly more harsh.

-i interval

Enable within interval seconds. interval is the time between a luser asking the same damn fool question. This option must be activated for the -a option. It stores the time of the question in /var/run/luser and checks that file each time that rtfm is activated. interval is a number of minutes, of the form xxx.xx where each x is a decimal digit. The default is 5.00 minutes.

-a action

This defines some action to be taken in the event that the -i flag condition is met. action can be defined either at the flag level or by a file. The options for flags are as follows:

scream Let out a scream of utter frustration.

hair Rip out your hair in total frustration.

rm Automatic command ran in lusers home directory. It can have an addition -rf flag added.

ignore Ignore the luser.

warn Warn the other sysadmins.

forward Forward to CNS advising. Particullary if the complaint is /dev/null is full.

kill Kill all the lusers processes.

FILE=file.name Use a file to define a course of actions. This can be any executeable file except those using ksh, which no god-fearing right-thinking sysadmin would be caught using lest he be struck down by the wrath of God.

-q luser

Query file /etc/luser to see if luser is a real luser or a first time luser.

/etc/luser

mr.biff(2),

rtfm only checks /var/run/luser when the -a option is specified and after the -i option is invoked. Otherwise /tmp would fill up rapidly on many systems. Also, core may dump if the -a FILE= option is anatomically impossible.